Here is my current work in progress. Its the first scene of an original television pilot. Of course the first draft is registered with the Writer's Guild of America, so no thieving! Your critique would be welcome in the comment section below.
ACT ONE
TEASER
FADE IN:
EXT.
GAMING ARENA -MORNING
A falcon, its wings spread
majestically, its beak open screeching a call as it flies across the sky. We
follow it into the sun, then tilt down from the blinding glare of the sky and
into a crowded arena. It appears as though the entire city is crammed into the
gaming arena. The men are adorned in linen kilts; the women in thigh-length
sheaths.
In the stands sit the noble
class, distinguished by the jewels dripping low off their persons and their
hawk noses held high in the air.
Crammed shoulder to
shoulder below the nobles, stand commoners, all dressed in their best rags.
There is excitement in the air, but no one pays much attention to the archery
contest currently underway. Instead, all eyes sneak darting glances at -
CUT TO
-the Royal Family, seated
high above all. The sun shines bright behind a massive, brown man, PHARAOH
THOTHMES I, who looks every bit the incarnation of a ruthless, sun god -only
bigger, and meaner.
Seated directly beside
Pharaoh is QUEEN AAHMOSE, Royal Consort, she is beautiful, lithe, regal, with
kind eyes and a gracious smile. Seated a step behind the king and queen is
MUTNOFERT, Second Wife. Where Aahmose is the hieroglyphic picture of the winged
Maat, the Goddess of Balance, Mutnofert is the embodiment of the Goddess of
Fertility -Hathor, who appears as a rotund rhinoceros.
CUT TO
The stands. Three older
noblemen feign interest in the archery. INENI, jovial and relaxed, wears the
mark of Vizier and an easy smile as he watches the festivities. MENENA,
sour-faced, he wears the garb of High Priest. PEN-NEKHBET, clean-cut and
serious, wears the mark of Treasurer. He turns and focuses on Pharaoh.
PEN-NEKHBET
Do you think he will do it
today?
INENI
Perfect time to do so. Our
time in service is quickly coming to a close.
MENENA
Speak for yourselves. I
have no intention of leaving my post to these children.
CUT TO
Lower down in the stands.
Three young adults of the noble class are also feigning interest in the days
events. AMIT (18), the picture of a proper Egyptian noble lady. MENKH (20),
handsome but the permanent bored, superior look inherent on his face detracts
from it. And HAPUSENEB (20), classic handsome features, an easy smile which he
bestows on the nobles and commoners alike.
Amit turns to Hapuseneb.
AMIT
Do you think he’s made his
choice?
Hapuseneb turns his easy
smile on her, but his eyes remain on the field. So, he doesn’t catch her quick
intake of breath or the dreamy look that skates over her eyes before she
composes herself.
HAPUSENEB
There is nothing to choose.
Prince Thothmes is the oldest.
AMIT
But the people love Prince
Amenmose. He is clearly the favorite.
MENKH
Favor comes and goes.
AMIT
Oh come now, Menkh. Even
you can not feign disinterest in the succession.
MENKH
What do you care about
succession? You’re only here to scout potential husbands. I remember the days
when our dear Amit favored Prince Amenmose.
AMIT
Every little girl dreams of
becoming a princess. But I no longer desire to be an Egyptian princess.
(to Menkh)
Forced to marry a brother-
She turns to the royal
section of the stands.
AMIT
(CONT'D)
Or to be a co-wife.
THIS SAID OFF a profusely
sweating Mutnofert. Menkh follows her gaze.
MENKH
Could you imagine being
saddled with a rhino, all for the sake of a treaty? I would race to the
trenches.
BACK
TO STANDS.
HAPUSENEB
Speaking of princesses,
where is Hatshepsut? She loves a good tourney.
AMIT
She loves to participate,
not watch.
The comment starts as a
shared joke among friends. But then, both Amit and Hapuseneb freeze in dreadful
realization.
AMIT
You don’t think…She
wouldn't…
Its not clear if that’s a
question or a statement.
HAPUSENEB
No…no.
Hapuseneb gives a decisive
shake of his head, but he can’t hide his worry.
A hush falls over the crowd
as the final competitors are vacating the arena floor. An ANNOUNCER walks to
the center podium.
ANNOUNCER
We celebrate the golden
Horus, the Mighty Bull, beloved of Maat, Lord of Nekhbet and per-Uarchet, he
who is diademed with the fiery Uraeus, making hearts to live, son of the sun,
Pharaoh Thothmes the First, living forever.
The crowd cheers as the
Pharaoh looks on graciously.
ANNOUNCER
We sing the praises of
Royal Consort, Aahmose, lady of the two lands, beloved of Pharaoh, mother of
Prince Amenmose, Princess Hatshepsut, and the departed Prince Wadjmose.
More cheers. Aahmose smiles
graciously. Pharaoh watches her appreciatively. She returns his visual caress
with a loving smile.
ANNOUNCER
And the lady Mutnofert,
second wife, mother of Prince Thothmes the second.
Mutnofert receives less
applause and no attention from Pharaoh. Her bitter scowl rests on Aahmose.
ANNOUNCER
Today we are blessed to see
the fruit of the great warrior’s loins; the hope and future who will one day
rule the lands of Egypt. Allow me to present Prince Amenmose…
The crowd begins to cheer
again as a young man enters the arena. AMENMOSE (20), simply beautiful, his
features perfectly chiseled, his body sculpted. He favors Aahmose who smiles
encouragingly at him from the stands.
ANNOUNCER
And Prince Thothmes, the
second.
THOTHMES (22), does not
have the beauty or grace of Amenmose. He is squat and round, and visibly
shaking; sweat pours off him like rain. He looks to the stands for support, but
meets the narrowed, demanding eyes of his mother, Mutnofert.
A fresh bull’s eye has been
placed some distance from the princes. Thothmes eyes it with trepidation.
Amenmose turns an encouraging smile on his brother and hands him an arrow.
AMENMOSE
You are the elder. You
should go first.
Thothmes gulps, but steps
up to the mark on wobbly feet. He raises his bow and pulls the arrow back.
CUT TO
THOTHMES’
POV
The bull’s eye is blurry,
unfocused and it looks farther than it really is.
BACK TO
Thothmes releases the
arrow, which hits powerfully…into the ground. Disappointment spreads like an
audible plague through the crowd. In the face of Pharaoh, which Thothmes
pointedly avoids glancing at, it festers as his nostrils flare.
Amenmose walks over and
gives him another arrow, along with an encouraging nod.
AMENMOSE
Focus, brother.
Thothmes does and this
time…it hits! But its the farthest ring from the eye of the target. There is
moderate, polite applause from the crowd. Thothmes sulks off the mark.
Amenmose steps up. He pulls
his bow taut.
CUT TO
AMENMOSE’S
POV
The bull’s eye is clear and
in focus, but the view dips and focuses instead on the outer ring at the edge
where Thothmes’ arrow has struck.
BACK TO
Amenmose releases his
arrow, which hits powerfully…just below Thothmes’. There is another gasp in the
crowd, but not of disappointment or surprise. This sound is utter
incomprehension.
Amenmose is already
stringing his second arrow. He releases and it hits powerfully -Impossible!
Below Thothmes’ arrow again! The crowd isn’t sure what to make of this.
A quick glance at Pharaoh
shows barely contained rage at the poor, dare-say deliberate, display. He
stands to go. The Announcer motions to someone to clear the bull’s eye.
ANNOUNCER
This has been a
most…triumphant occasion-
HATSHEPSUT
(O.S.)
Wait!
The entire audience turns
and they are confronted by…a girl. And she’s dressed in a boy’s kilt.
HATSHEPSUT (18), she has the beauty of her mother and the harsh glare of her
father.
CUT TO
STANDS
Amit and Menkh are stunned.
Hapuseneb looks to the heavens, closes his eyes, and shakes his head.
HAPUSENEB
Oh, gods.
BACK TO
ARENA
FLOOR
HATSHEPSUT
I have not had my turn yet.
ANNOUNCER
Highness, my lady, this is
a tournament for men-
Hatshepsut sends him a
cutting look that leaves his lips working and his tongue silent.
HATSHEPSUT
Did you not say earlier
that this was a time for all subjects to witness the fruits of Pharaoh’s loins?
The Announcer nods meekly.
HATSHEPSUT
(CONT'D)
Am I not one of those
fruits? Or are you insulting my mother?
The Announcer, still unable
to find his voice, shakes his head fervently, turning his head to Pharaoh…who
is chuckling? He turns to his daughter.
PHARAOH
Go on then.
Hatshepsut’s childish
indignation disappears and is replaced by a huge grin that sneaks its way over
the Pharaoh’s face. Hatshepsut turns and passes her brothers. The chatter in
the crowd has grown. She reaches her hand out to Amenmose. Amenmose walks over
and hands her an arrow. His look is warning, a silent command from an older
sibling.
AMENMOSE
It is his day.
Hatshepsut’s smile is full
of mischief.
HATSHEPSUT
It is not decided yet.
Amenmose looks as though
he’d like to say more, but Hatshepsut turns from him and pulls her bow taut.
CUT TO
HATSHEPSUT’S
POV
The bull’s eye is clear and
in focus. Then the view dips lower to Thothmes’ arrow at the outer ring.
BACK TO
Hatshepsut, still with a
mischievous smile, releases her arrow, which hits powerfully…and -Impossible! It
shreds Thothmes’ arrow! The crowd gasps, too stunned to applaud.
Hatshepsut reaches out her
hand to Amenmose for her second arrow, a faux-innocent smile on her beautiful
face. Amenmose regards his sister, another warning on his face. Then he sighs.
Its no use. He hands her the arrow. Hatshepsut takes the arrow and looks past
Amenmose to Thothmes, who stares dejectedly at the ground. Hatshepsut rolls her
eyes and turns back to the target, pulling the bow taut. She releases,
and…there’s a thunderous cheer! She’s hit the bull’s eye!
STANDS
Upon closer examination, we
can see the cheers come from the commoners. The nobles are stunned or outraged
in silence.
AMIT
What does this mean? Is Hat
the successor now?
MENKH
Don't be stupid. Woman
can't rule. Tell her, Hapu.
But Hapuseneb is looking at
Pharaoh who beams at his daughter -its the first true smile we’ve seen on his
harsh face. Queen Aahmose looks on with worry; Mutnofert with hatred. Thothmes
sulks off the field, leaving Amenmose staring at his sister with unmasked
disapproval. But she doesn’t care. Hatshepsut raises her bow in triumph.
END TEASER
No comments:
Post a Comment